The Blog Squad

Thursday, March 27, 2008

1977 Revisted

This is without a doubt the funniest e-mail I’ve ever received. Of course when you combine the 1970s with words like “ass kicked” and “chest hair” and “terry cloth jumpsuits,” how can it not be amusing?

I wish I knew the author. But whoever you are, I’m feathering my hair just for you.

Enjoy! (I've edited some of it for the general audience)

Start of e-mail

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day.

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. BLEEP. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

OUT AT HOME: We bought our daughter her first pairs of big girl underwear this past weekend. She was very excited to discover that her mommy wore them, too. When she asked me if I wore panties, I said, "no, daddy wears boxers." She didn't understand and was a bit disappointed. So, I corrected myself. "Yes, daddy wears panties. But they are black with skull bones and absolutely no lace!"

VIDEO OF THE WEEK: I'm sure there are probably a thousand examples of other teams doing this. But plays like this one is why people do not like Duke.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Bet The Mortgage, The Rams Are In (well maybe lunch money instead)

I was on a weekend drive last Sunday when Linus Kiselius banked in a game-winning shot to lift William & Mary over Virginia Commonwealth University in a stunner. The victory advanced the Tribe into the finals of the Colonial Athletic Association tournament finals against George Mason, which eventually won the title and the automatic bid.

The Rams, however, were left questioning how they could lose in such a crucial time of the season when they had played so well during most of it. When there were really no answers, VCU was reduced to scoreboard watching and hoping for favorites to win and high-major bubble teams to lose.

I’m here to tell you today, given what’s happened over the past week, the Rams are in. No doubt about it.

There are 34 at-large bids. It’s a given that the Big East will get six teams in not including the conference tournament champ. The Atlantic Coast Conference will likely get three at-large invitations.

That leaves 25.

The Big Ten will take up four more slots and the Pac-10 five at-larges. The SEC also will earn five bids, and this does not include two-time champs Florida.

The total now of at-larges is 11.

The Mountain West will only get one bid beside the conference tournament winner after New Mexico was beaten in the quarterfinals. The West Coast Conference, however, will get two at-large bids because St. Mary’s lost to San Diego, which beat Gonzaga in the finals. Those three teams are in.

We are down to eight.

The Atlantic 10 will likely just have one at-large after Massachusetts lost in the quarterfinals of the conference tournament. I’m giving the Big 12 the benefit of the doubt and slotting that conference for four teams, even though Baylor is definitely on the bubble and lost in its first tournament game.

So we’re down to three.

The Sun Belt will get one of those bids because South Alabama fell early in its conference tournament. I have a hard time giving Illinois State of the Missouri Valley Conference an invite because it lost in the title game to Drake by 30.

Now there are two.

Here are the teams remaining vying for those spots, though it might change depending what happens over the next three days in conference tournaments.

I have VCU (24-7), Miami (22-9) or Virginia Tech (18-12), Villanova (20-12) and Oregon (18-13). I’ll even throw in Florida (21-11) and Illinois State (24-9). Miami and Virginia Tech play each other today. My guess is the winner of that ACC clash will get the bid.

That leaves one.

Though VCU’s RPI is 61 compared to Illinois State’s 36, I believe the Rams and the CAA have earned tiebreakers. The CAA has had multiple bids in consecutive years now and is the only mid-major conference to have a school reach the Final Four. Add the VCU victory over Duke last year and its near upset of Pittsburgh, the selection committee should take history into account.

That’s why I believe the Rams will be dancing as a 13th seed. And like I predicted in a previous week, I see VCU winning a first-round game.

OUT AT HOME: Like I said, I drove west last weekend. Took the family to Farmville to eat at a country diner. We got lost and ended up at KFC at the corner of Huguenot and Robius.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK: Good for Billy Crystal! Fouling off a major-league pitch is as good as roping one into center.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

He Might Come Running Back

After years of contemplating retirement, Brett Favre will finally commit to it.

The decision surprised many fans, especially in Green Bay where Favre played 17 seasons. He informed Packers coach Mike McCarthy of the retirement during a telephone call Monday night.

“I know I can still play, but it’s like I told my wife, I’m just tired mentally. I’m just tired,” Favre said in a voicemail to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen.

Unlike many of the great quarterbacks of his generation, Favre can walk away from the game saying he can still compete. Multiple concussions forced Dallas’ Troy Aikman, Buffalo’s Jim Kelly and San Francisco’s Steve Young out of the game. Various significant injuries made the retirement decision easier for Dan Marino in 2000.

The 38-year-old Favre has started an NFL record 253 consecutive games at quarterback. He owns league records for passing touchdowns (442), passing yards (61,655), completions (5,377), attempts (8,758), interceptions (288) and games with at least three TDs (63). His 160-93 regular season record is the most wins for a quarterback.

Favre and the Packers lost to the eventual Super Bowl winners, the New York Giants, last year in the NFC Championship Game. The gunslinging QB, known for his grit, heart and cannon arm, had one of his best seasons ever.

Until today, the prevailing thought was that Favre definitely would return and pursue another Super Bowl.

“If I felt like coming back — and Deanna [Favre’s wife] and I talked about this — the only way for me to be successful would be to win a Super Bowl,” Favre told ESPN. “To go to the Super Bowl and lose would almost be worse than anything else. Anything less than a Super Bowl win would be unsuccessful.”

But Aikman is quoted saying he thinks Favre will miss the game too much.

“As the season gets closer, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he changes his mind,” Aikman said.

I wouldn’t either.

None of us will ever know what it’s like to be a professional NFL quarterback, especially one of Favre’s caliber. But it must be a blessed feeling. I doubt these great quarterbacks can adequately describe their charmed existence.

What is it like to throw a ball 50 yards into the hands of a streaking receiver as 90,000 fans roar? What is it like to run off the field with raised ball in victory, knowing you have just captured a prize that is the source of happiness for millions of people? What is it like to have the way you play the game and the character you show imitated by others in all facets of their life?

I can’t imagine another endeavor that could compare in terms of exhilaration, emotion and effect.

Favre can still fulfill more dreams, even now in the bonus time of his career. Aikman, Kelly, Young and Marino could not. And if these great quarterbacks were given Favre’s option, their past decision would dictate they would play until they were carried off with their legs dragging behind them.

John Elway, another hall-of-fame quarterback from this era, came back twice and won back-to-back Super Bowls. He hobbled both those seasons.

So it is a little disheartening, just a tiny bit, that Favre, this great warrior who has not missed a game in more than 15 seasons, chooses to walk away with gas left in the tank.

To me, when an athlete is blessed with so much and has received so much, a debt must be paid. And that payment is to play until the very end. And that end is when the body begs for mercy.

Favre will be missed — if indeed he never returns. But it’s likely he’ll miss the game more.

OUT AT HOME: We were watching Intervention the other day. The show is about people with addictions. My wife turned to my 2-year-old daughter and said, “Don’t do drugs!” The mama then asked the youngster if she heard the message. My daughter nodded and replied, “Don’t do dragons!”

VIDEO OF THE WEEK: Um. I don’t blame the field reporter at the recent Los Angeles Marathon for not having a reply.