This is without a doubt the funniest e-mail I’ve ever received. Of course when you combine the 1970s with words like “ass kicked” and “chest hair” and “terry cloth jumpsuits,” how can it not be amusing?
I wish I knew the author. But whoever you are, I’m feathering my hair just for you.
Enjoy! (I've edited some of it for the general audience)
Start of e-mail
Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:
Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:
There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.
The clothes are fantastic.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:
Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:
This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.
Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:
This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block.
Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:
If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.
Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:
He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.
How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day.
Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
As does your search for chest hair.
And this -- Seriously. No words.
Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. BLEEP. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:
OUT AT HOME: We bought our daughter her first pairs of big girl underwear this past weekend. She was very excited to discover that her mommy wore them, too. When she asked me if I wore panties, I said, "no, daddy wears boxers." She didn't understand and was a bit disappointed. So, I corrected myself. "Yes, daddy wears panties. But they are black with skull bones and absolutely no lace!"
VIDEO OF THE WEEK: I'm sure there are probably a thousand examples of other teams doing this. But plays like this one is why people do not like Duke.