The Blog Squad

Thursday, June 08, 2006

How would the real experts have handled the Cookie Kids?

Since there were no new developments in the Cookie Caper today, the news stories revolved around the reaction to the news story. How perfect!

No one seems to want to deal with the meat of the issue -- Did the school overreact in its punishment? There is really only one true way to figure it out. Let's turn to the experts, and by experts I mean, of course, fictional people on TV.

What would the great teachers and principals of TV have done?

Well, Gabe Kotter would make Barbarino clean up the school cafeteria while throwing in a lot of "crummy" jokes. Ar, ar, ar.

Principal Kaufman on Room 222 would rap with the kids about their feelings over the cookies. Was it hunger? Or boredom? Or retaliation for some affront? Either way, he'd have them join the Peace Corps.

Coach Reeves of the White Shadow wouldn't have any of that. He'd make the kid sit on the bench for the next basketball game -- even if it was the Regional Finals. And they would lose the game, and the kid would learn a hard lesson.

Charlie Moore, of the Head of the Class, would give his student a little talking to and then he would sneak into the cafeteria the next day to see if anyone left any brownies sitting around.

Principal Skinner, after consulting with his mother, would mete out the harshest possible punishment on Bart Simpson -- expulsion -- only to be outsmarted by Bart who then would provide evidence that it was in fact Skinner himself who ate the cookies.

Jan Brady, of course, would eventually confess on her own and give back her Good Citizenship award. Her brother, Peter, for that matter, would do the same thing and not complain when Mike and Carol say he can't go on the camping trip.

And though not technically a teacher, Mayor Wilkins of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, would just turn into a giant snake and eat all the kids. That'd teach them.


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