The Bearer of Bad News
“Welcome everybody to the banks of the Potomac. It’s a beautiful day and we expect a sellout crowd to what will be a historical event.
"Today, your Washington Redskin will face the always tough bear in a life or death situation. Win and you move on. Lose and you won’t have a leg to stand on.
"What a treat we have for you today. I’m Frank Herzog along with Sonny Jurgensen and Sam Huff. I’ll start with you Sam. What will the Redskin have to do defensively today to come out of this alive?”
“I’ll tell you Frank. It’s man time. There’s gonna be some hittin’ today. I’m excited! But for the Redskin to survive, well, I just don’t see it.”
“And Sonny, what will the Redskin have to do offensively to prevent from getting eaten alive?”
Laughter from Sam.
“I’m serious. The Redskin will need to use his fear. That’s a good thing. It can motivate you. But Frank, I’m with Sam. I don’t think the Redskin wins today.”
“Gentlemen, we’ll know very soon. The Redskin is back to receive the kickoff. He’s got it at the goal line. Out to the 10, the 20, and angles out to the 30, the hungry bear chases, there’s a claw, a gouge, a bite. Down goes the Redskin near midfield…”
This was the image when I saw the video on ESPN2’s “First Take” that ridiculously asked: Could a top kick returner run from one goal line to the other goal line with a hungry bear in between?
Apparently the people who work the show became obsessed with the question and produced a segment trying to explain it. I thought it was such a stupid waste of time that I watched. Then I saw it was actually entertaining because Antwaan Randle El was allegedly the top kick returner even though he has run back two kickoffs in the past three seasons.
But nonetheless, I watched. My beloved Redskin was confident in the fact that he could outsmart and outmaneuver the bear. I for a moment agreed.
That’s until the segment cut away to Dr. Lynn Rogers, who was tending to a 900-pound bruin named Ted E. Bear. YIKES! Actually, WTF?
Bears are freaking huge. And they can run up to 35 mph. They have claws. They have John Elway teeth.
I suddenly had a vision of 5-foot-10, 190-pound Randle El juking and deking pathetically as the, let me emphasize again, 900-pound bruin bears down on the runner. That’s not Brian Urlacher chasing Twaan. That’s a bonafide American grizzly built Ford tough.
I just gotta say again, the bear is 900 pounds and runs a sub-4.0 in the 40. That’s freakish natural gifts.
Sorry Randle El. You would lose.
OUT AT HOME: Got on my roof to clean the gutters. Every year, my house seems to get taller and taller. I really need to hire a professional next year before I hurt myself.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK:What was she reading on Delonte West’s arm? Or was she just admiring the muscles?