The Shadow for Hire

I’d like to hire myself out. I’m available full time or part time.

Here’s my ad.

Have you been ARRESTED several times in the past couple of years? Do you seem to always find trouble when you go to nightclubs? Are you on super-double probation with your professional organization or the league?
THEN YOU NEED THE SHADOW.
Since your agent and lawyer don’t give a #%$^& about you, let me make sure your nose always stays clean.
I’ll taser you if you decide to backhand a stripper. I’ll put a boot far in your rear if you want to wave a handgun about. And I’ll squeeze and not let go if you think it’s a good idea to drive after several magnums of champagne.
You’ll thank me in the morning when you wake up in your own bed.

I’m not sure where I can place the ad. Maybe Sports Illustrated?

My career inspiration came after I read that Chris Henry, a talented receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, recently was arrested for the fifth time since 2005. The team cut him yesterday while he was in jail awaiting arraignment on assault charges.

Henry, 24, is accused of punching an 18-year-old in the face and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. A municipal court judge set Henry’s bond at $51,000 and noted his previous arrests for drugs, guns and alcohol. Judge Bernie Bouchard also called Henry a “one-man crime wave.”

The NFL would not speculate on Henry’s future with the league, but it’s likely he’ll be suspended indefinitely if he’s convicted. He was suspended for eight games last year for violating the league’s conduct policy. He was also forced to sit out two games in 2006 because of misconduct.

Bengals president Mike Brown said in a statement that Henry had forfeited his career with the club.

“His conduct can no longer be tolerated,” Brown said.

The Bengals had 10 players arrested from April 2006 to June 2007.

Hypothetically, if I was out on the town with one of my pro-athlete clients, this is what would happen. Before heading out, I would attach a remote electrical shocking device to his armpits so I could singe his hair with the push of a button.

The pro and I go out, he in a chiffon lemon suit and me in jeans and a grungy hoodie. We enter a club. He sees some lovely ladies and moves to talk with them. I go to the bar but with the client always in my sights. I order a Red Bull. He starts to pound club-issue Mad Dog 20/20.

The boyfriends of the ladies return. They accost my client, who pushes them. Suddenly, “Funky Cold Medina” thumps through the club. The boyfriends and my client continue to push and point fingers. I pull out the remote and shock him once. He jumps in the air and grabs his pits. The boyfriends stop, very confused. I shock my client again. He does the same move — a high jump with his hands in his pits. Others take notice. They shrug their shoulders and imitate. Just for kicks, I shock my client a third time, but with more voltage. He screeches, jumps and moves his feet like they’re on hot coals.

It’s all the rage. Everyone at the club dances “The High Jump.”

Later that night, as we take a taxi home and my client rests his head on my right shoulder, he thanks me for a good time.

I reply, “It’s my job.”

The next day, he trains hard to be the best free safety in the NFL. A week later, I get a call from him.

“Yo, Shadow, you wanna kick it at the clubs?”

I put on my jeans and hoodie and disappear into the night. It’s time to go to work.

OUT AT HOME: Wouldn't it be great to never have to make a bed again?

VIDEO OF THE WEEK: Imagine if this guy was a golfer or a baseball player.