The Groin Pulls Ate My Potatoes

I was honored to be asked back to the Richmond Magazine Fantasy Football League. However, this time, I told myself, I would not only win the championship, but I would put a hurting on my opponent each time out.

I finished in sixth place last year, and in my mind, that result was a product of me being absent at the draft and having the computer select my roster. Not so this season. I showed up 15 minutes early with my sheet of sleeper picks.

I wondered briefly, how much these Richmond magazine staffers and friends knew about football. I recognized that they could write a manual on AP Style. I knew they could tell me a great place to eat on a Wednesday night. And, of course, they could even give me a road map to the newest boutique in town.

Talented writers, artists and editors? Absolutely. Football experts? Um, they probably think Julius Peppers goes well with balsamic vinaigrette or Santana Moss always faces the north. Plus this was the only co-ed league I’ve ever been in. Surely boys know more about football than girls, right?

This was going to be easy pickings.

Pho King Good (my fantasy-football moniker) would rule.

Let’s stop right there before I eat more noodles.

I was wrong about these fashionistas and pop-culture hounds at the mag not knowing anything about the pigskin. Who knew there were so many rabid football fans there?

The draft started like any other. The first round consisted of Brady, Tomlinson, Westbrook, Peterson, Jackson, Addai, Manning, Gore, Lynch, Barber, Romo and Portis in that order. The second and third rounds were pretty much as expected. (I was a little concerned that Redskins Couch Potatoes started to horde all the Burgundy and Gold players. She went with Portis in the first and Cooley in the third. I didn't end up with one Redskin on my team.)

I knew it was the following rounds where I would separate myself with value picks.

But Kate’s Krazy 88s stole running back Kevin Smith early in the fourth round. How did she know about him? Then Koinichiwa B*tches (sic) reached for receiver Calvin Johnson. Both Detroit Lions players — yes, they play for Detroit — could have great seasons. They were not supposed to go so early. I honestly believed I could get them in the sixth round or beyond.

At that point, my meatballs kept falling off my chopsticks.

I wanted Pittsburgh wide receiver Santonio Holmes in the fifth. The kid is going to have a monster year. He’s a tremendous value in the middle of the draft. The Groin Pulls hurt me by taking the receiver two picks before my selection. Then the 88s nabbed Jerricho Cotchery later in the round. That dude was supposed to be a sleeper pick late in the draft.

These Richmond Mag folks were boiling my broth.

General Lee’s Chicken Brigade got greasy with Greg Jennings in the sixth round. He doesn’t have Brett Favre anymore but the kid’s still a stud receiver. Koinichiwa added to her talented roster by grabbing Selvin Young a few selections later.

Selvin Young? Come on. Only really, really, really avid football fans know who he is. It was clear they were rudely slurping my noodles now.

The Groin Pulls aggravated me more with his pick of Brandon Marshall in the seventh. Granted the receiver is going to miss the first four games with a suspension (I was shocked to realize that many at the draft knew that), Marshall still caught a lot of balls from Jay Cutler last year. Again, the Pulls got great value.

Another tremendous steal came in the 10th round when CrushYou selected DeSean Jackson. The rookie has emerged as the Eagles’ best receiver. Road Warrior and HellByrds and Southside Superstarzz somehow managed to pick running backs Ronnie Brown, DeAngelo Williams and Rudi Johnson in the 11th round. But the real bargain was Minnetonka Skippers nabbing speedster Chris Johnson. He was my biggest sleeper of the draft, and I waited patiently really believing nobody would have an idea about him.

I gotta tell ya, I left the draft feeling no steam. I will be lucky to improve on my sixth-place showing of last year. But I’m not gonna let them take my fish sauce.

Good luck, or should I say konichiwa, b*tches.

OUT AT HOME: The one plus about this drought? No mowing the grass. I haven’t done that in three weeks. Woohoo.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK: A little geeky, but so true.